The Ultimate Fate of Tuna



Vader Blog: Merry Christmas

I have been informed that it will soon be Christmas. I had never heard of this, so called, joyous occasion before, and I must admit I was baffled. Particularly becuase the little man who told me about it was not only wearing bells on his over sized ears, he was also only three feet tall. He did, however, hand me a bright green box with a bow on it. I, of course, tried to crush his windpipe, but the tiny person was surprisingly speedy. Next time, tiny green being, next time!

But I've been thinking.

What is this Christmas? Why have I never heard of it before? And who was that stupid little man? I did some research on the net and discovered this.

"Christmas is an annual holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. It refers both to the day celebrating the birth, as well as to the season which that day inaugurates, which concludes with the Feast of the Epiphany. The date of the celebration is traditional, and is not considered to be his actual date of birth. Christmas festivities often combine the commemoration of Jesus' birth with various cultural customs, many of which have been influenced by earlier winter festivals. Although a Christian holiday, it is also observed as a cultural holiday by many non-Christians."

That didn't tell me anything. So I went to the one person I can always count on for an honest and unbiased answer, the Emperor. He was less than helpful.

CHRISTMAS!!! YOU PONCE!!! GO BACK TO KILLING THINGS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I considered crushing his windpipe, but then remembered it was the Emperor and slunk out like the dog I am when in his presence.

I continued my quest for the meaning of Christmas by brooding for several hours alone in my dome of solitude. I thought perhaps my evil lair would give me some kind of inspiration. But nothing came. Not even after a cup of dome chocolate. Mmm... so rich and frothy...

With little else to do I contemplated the little box in my hands. Perhaps it was some sort of incendiary device? Or a bomb? I shook it, in hopes of making it do something, but to no avail. The box remained aloof. I took it with me and paced the halls of the death star, lost in my own musing.

Some strange twist of fate took me past the cell where we keep the Princess and I decided to go in. Maybe the annoying female would have an answer to my question.

"Christmas? Well, it's a time for making snow men and giving gifts and spending time with your family!"

As I left I sent in the interrogator droid.

But she got me thinking. Snow men? I don't even know what that is! Gifts? Could that be what the little box was? Family? I had only one member of my family left alive, my brother Owen. Oh yes, and my son, Luke. I have never met the boy, but I spend hours planning how to turn him to the dark side.

In desperation I turned back to the box, throwing it against the wall in anger. The ribbon flew off and the box opened. Out fell a red hat.

I hesitantly put it on and felt myself filled with the Christmas spirit! I suddenly wanted to make cookies and decorate trees! So I did. Then a stormtrooper laughed at me and I crushed his windpipe. But I learned something today. The joy of christmas is in the horrified screams of every child. And, making snowmen is fun.

OOOoooh it's been a long been a long been a long, been a long coupla weeks!!

Sorry for the radio silence! (Did anyone notice? Does anyone but me read this? Hello ello ello ello ellooooooo......)

Anyway, I had a show open last week, which means my life has not been my own. Why then didn't I post after the show had opened you ask? Uh........ LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY! *throws glitter and runs*

Anyway, I'm back! Aren't you just overcome with glee? And I've brought more Conversations with Three Year Olds! And Vader Blog!

Soon I'll have a long, hopefully funny, and informative post for you on the joys of community theater.

And now... CONVERSATIONS WITH THREE YEAR OLDS!

In a Parking Lot

Thing 1: Oh, I remember! You have boobies! Can I open them? *Pulls on neck of shirt till shame is exposed to the whole wide world*

Me: Not here sweatpea... *tucks shame away again*

Thing 1: Mummy has boobies too, but hers go squash! *proceeds to try to turn them into one gigantic super boob*

Me: Okay kiddo... *Puts her down*

Thing 1: Look! More boobies! *Grabs flab. Squishes*

Me: Sigh.......

And now, to explain the following interaction, I must introduce you to The Cat in the Hat, also knows as the twins five year old sister. Lovely child, if mellow dramatic... She will be henceforth known as Cat, for simplicity.

At the Park

Thing 2: I'm Cinderella!

Cat: I'm Rapunzel!

Thing 1: I'm Tunaman!

Cat: Tunaman! That's stupid Thing 1. Be the Prince!

Me: Cat! Don't call you sister stupid. Thing 1, are you a superhero?

Thing 1: Yes! I have madbee power!

Me: Madbee power?

Thing 1: Yes, I can turn him into a castle. With polkadots.

Vader Blog: Capturing the Princess

So, I boarded the Princess Leia's ship today. Is it just me or is she really hot?

Mmmm. Work it girls.

She reminds me of a woman I knew a long time ago, a woman who died, leaving me with nothing but this metal gear where my heart should be. God I'm depressed.

Okay, so, about the boarding. It all went very well, I looked all dark and creepy in my black cape and we captured the Princess pn the first try. Go us! But the plans were not there! What is it with that? How do they always manage to hide the plans! And then my genius of a helmsman let a pod escape. ESCAPE! Said he didn't shoot because there were no life forms aboard. What, did we have some sort of laser beam shortage!! GAA! If you want something done right, you must do it yourself. *Broods* However, I did get to kill him, and that does always make me feel better.

I'm sitting here in my Dome of Solitude (NOT my Emo Dome. Damn you Emperor! Now all the guys have started calling it that behind my back, I know it! And they're laughing, I can tell they're laughing. Hate world, must revenge self...) and I noticed that there is this little red button next to my soda machine. I really want to push it, but I'm afraid of what it might do...

Button of Mystery....

 

So, I have a little problem with my suit. Why are the eye holes black? Have you ever tried to see through SOLID BLACK PLASTIC? It's really hard!!!!!! And you have NO peripheral vision AT ALL! People have started standing directly beside me when they talk to me and it DRIVES ME CRAZY! And the next person to snicker when I can't see the volleyball coming is going to get their windpipe crushed!

I just pushed the button. It made hot chocolate appear! I love my dome. But I hate life. And sprinkles. And the letter O.

I make suspenders look goooooood

Semi-Sequitur’s With Three Year Olds

While being buckled into her car seat

Thing 1: I think your Mummy and Daddy must be mad.

Me: What? Why?

Thing 1: Because you run outside and don’t sleep and then they will have to chase you!

While playing in the playroom, in reference to stealing her sisters toys

Thing 2: But I CAN’T say please because I am a pretty girl!

At lunch time. Out of nowhere

Thing 1: I think your Mummy and Daddy will laugh.

Me: Oh yeah? Why?

Thing 1: Cause I bumped my head really hard and now you get the sparkly dust!

On the playground. After falling down

Thing 2: But I CAN’T play because my nose hurts so I can only kick you!

Then proceeds to kick me.

After finding a pretty spectacular mud puddle

Thing 2: Look how muddy I am!! *super proud look of sublime accomplishment *

FIVE SECONDS LATER

Thing 2: Sasha................................................................. I’M MUDDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Look of ultimate hurt and betrayal. Instant flood of tears* My pants are MUUUUUUDDDYYYYYYY!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!

The Worlds Fattest Ninja Chicken Rides the Bus

Link Plays Zelda: AKA, the one where I got distracted and didn't really write anything

So, I was going to begin the Adventures of the Ninja Chicken tonight, but instead I watched my brother play Skyward Sword for about an hour and a half.... So I'm writing about that instead!

Now, my brother is a... special child. And he is addicted to the Legend of Zelda games. Our step mom made him a pretty nifty Link costume too!

Anyway, I bought him Skyward Sword (which is the newest Zelda game, for those who aren't giant nerds like me) for his highschool graduation. Well, I say bought, but really I pre-ordered it. I gave him the receipt in a nice card and told him we'd pick up his game when it came out, which at the time was about six months away.

Now, as often happens, Skyward Sword got delayed. So here we are, coming on two years later, and the game finally, finally comes out.

My brother, being ... well... him, went to pick up the game in costume. He and some of his friends had a whole routine planned out. He was going to go in, get his copy of the game, and try to pay for it in rupees (zelda money, looks like this)

He made his out of those plastic jewels my five year old loves

So he goes in and starts his routine, but alas, the cashier doesn`t want to play along.

Brother: Hiyah Huh! *holds out game*

Cashier: Did you pre-order?

Brother: CHEEYA! *nods*

Cashier: Phone number?

Brother: Hiyah HUH!

Cashier: Phone number?

Brother: CHEEYA!

Cashier: I need your phone number.

Me: It's *gives numbers*

Cashier: We don't have you listed.

Brother: HUUUUUUUHHH!?

So, after going through every phone number I could think of and every variation on my very distinctive last name we realize that I had pre-ordered the game at a different store. (Don't judge me, it was nearly two years ago...)

So we piled in his friends car and headed off to the other mall! And this time we were determined to be more prepared. I made him a sheet of paper with all the pertinent information, game, phone number, name, etc. So we get there, and we try again.

Brother: Huh hut! *Hands paper*

Cashier: Okay, can I have ID?

Me: *Sigh* here

Cashier: Okay *Turns back*

Brother: HEYAH! *puts rupees on counter*

Cashier: That'll be $40.

Me: Here *gives debit card*

So, he got his game, but we're going to have a workshop on comedic timing. Next time, give the woman the fake money when she is watching.

Anyhoo, the game seems pretty fun. I'll be playing myself as soon as I get a moment. And really, it was worth waiting two years to get to see this



This must be what the Inner Child looks like. Oh, such glee...