Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Vader Blog: Merry Christmas
I have been informed that it will soon be Christmas. I had never heard of this, so called, joyous occasion before, and I must admit I was baffled. Particularly becuase the little man who told me about it was not only wearing bells on his over sized ears, he was also only three feet tall. He did, however, hand me a bright green box with a bow on it. I, of course, tried to crush his windpipe, but the tiny person was surprisingly speedy. Next time, tiny green being, next time!
But I've been thinking.
What is this Christmas? Why have I never heard of it before? And who was that stupid little man? I did some research on the net and discovered this.
"Christmas is an annual holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. It refers both to the day celebrating the birth, as well as to the season which that day inaugurates, which concludes with the Feast of the Epiphany. The date of the celebration is traditional, and is not considered to be his actual date of birth. Christmas festivities often combine the commemoration of Jesus' birth with various cultural customs, many of which have been influenced by earlier winter festivals. Although a Christian holiday, it is also observed as a cultural holiday by many non-Christians."
That didn't tell me anything. So I went to the one person I can always count on for an honest and unbiased answer, the Emperor. He was less than helpful.
CHRISTMAS!!! YOU PONCE!!! GO BACK TO KILLING THINGS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!
I considered crushing his windpipe, but then remembered it was the Emperor and slunk out like the dog I am when in his presence.
I continued my quest for the meaning of Christmas by brooding for several hours alone in my dome of solitude. I thought perhaps my evil lair would give me some kind of inspiration. But nothing came. Not even after a cup of dome chocolate. Mmm... so rich and frothy...
With little else to do I contemplated the little box in my hands. Perhaps it was some sort of incendiary device? Or a bomb? I shook it, in hopes of making it do something, but to no avail. The box remained aloof. I took it with me and paced the halls of the death star, lost in my own musing.
Some strange twist of fate took me past the cell where we keep the Princess and I decided to go in. Maybe the annoying female would have an answer to my question.
"Christmas? Well, it's a time for making snow men and giving gifts and spending time with your family!"
As I left I sent in the interrogator droid.
But she got me thinking. Snow men? I don't even know what that is! Gifts? Could that be what the little box was? Family? I had only one member of my family left alive, my brother Owen. Oh yes, and my son, Luke. I have never met the boy, but I spend hours planning how to turn him to the dark side.
In desperation I turned back to the box, throwing it against the wall in anger. The ribbon flew off and the box opened. Out fell a red hat.
I hesitantly put it on and felt myself filled with the Christmas spirit! I suddenly wanted to make cookies and decorate trees! So I did. Then a stormtrooper laughed at me and I crushed his windpipe. But I learned something today. The joy of christmas is in the horrified screams of every child. And, making snowmen is fun.
But I've been thinking.
What is this Christmas? Why have I never heard of it before? And who was that stupid little man? I did some research on the net and discovered this.
"Christmas is an annual holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. It refers both to the day celebrating the birth, as well as to the season which that day inaugurates, which concludes with the Feast of the Epiphany. The date of the celebration is traditional, and is not considered to be his actual date of birth. Christmas festivities often combine the commemoration of Jesus' birth with various cultural customs, many of which have been influenced by earlier winter festivals. Although a Christian holiday, it is also observed as a cultural holiday by many non-Christians."
That didn't tell me anything. So I went to the one person I can always count on for an honest and unbiased answer, the Emperor. He was less than helpful.
CHRISTMAS!!! YOU PONCE!!! GO BACK TO KILLING THINGS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!
I considered crushing his windpipe, but then remembered it was the Emperor and slunk out like the dog I am when in his presence.
I continued my quest for the meaning of Christmas by brooding for several hours alone in my dome of solitude. I thought perhaps my evil lair would give me some kind of inspiration. But nothing came. Not even after a cup of dome chocolate. Mmm... so rich and frothy...
With little else to do I contemplated the little box in my hands. Perhaps it was some sort of incendiary device? Or a bomb? I shook it, in hopes of making it do something, but to no avail. The box remained aloof. I took it with me and paced the halls of the death star, lost in my own musing.
Some strange twist of fate took me past the cell where we keep the Princess and I decided to go in. Maybe the annoying female would have an answer to my question.
"Christmas? Well, it's a time for making snow men and giving gifts and spending time with your family!"
As I left I sent in the interrogator droid.
But she got me thinking. Snow men? I don't even know what that is! Gifts? Could that be what the little box was? Family? I had only one member of my family left alive, my brother Owen. Oh yes, and my son, Luke. I have never met the boy, but I spend hours planning how to turn him to the dark side.
In desperation I turned back to the box, throwing it against the wall in anger. The ribbon flew off and the box opened. Out fell a red hat.
I hesitantly put it on and felt myself filled with the Christmas spirit! I suddenly wanted to make cookies and decorate trees! So I did. Then a stormtrooper laughed at me and I crushed his windpipe. But I learned something today. The joy of christmas is in the horrified screams of every child. And, making snowmen is fun.
OOOoooh it's been a long been a long been a long, been a long coupla weeks!!
Sorry for the radio silence! (Did anyone notice? Does anyone but me read this? Hello ello ello ello ellooooooo......)
Anyway, I had a show open last week, which means my life has not been my own. Why then didn't I post after the show had opened you ask? Uh........ LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY! *throws glitter and runs*
Anyway, I'm back! Aren't you just overcome with glee? And I've brought more Conversations with Three Year Olds! And Vader Blog!
Soon I'll have a long, hopefully funny, and informative post for you on the joys of community theater.
And now... CONVERSATIONS WITH THREE YEAR OLDS!
In a Parking Lot
Thing 1: Oh, I remember! You have boobies! Can I open them? *Pulls on neck of shirt till shame is exposed to the whole wide world*
Me: Not here sweatpea... *tucks shame away again*
Thing 1: Mummy has boobies too, but hers go squash! *proceeds to try to turn them into one gigantic super boob*
Me: Okay kiddo... *Puts her down*
Thing 1: Look! More boobies! *Grabs flab. Squishes*
Me: Sigh.......
And now, to explain the following interaction, I must introduce you to The Cat in the Hat, also knows as the twins five year old sister. Lovely child, if mellow dramatic... She will be henceforth known as Cat, for simplicity.
At the Park
Thing 2: I'm Cinderella!
Cat: I'm Rapunzel!
Thing 1: I'm Tunaman!
Cat: Tunaman! That's stupid Thing 1. Be the Prince!
Me: Cat! Don't call you sister stupid. Thing 1, are you a superhero?
Thing 1: Yes! I have madbee power!
Me: Madbee power?
Thing 1: Yes, I can turn him into a castle. With polkadots.
Anyway, I had a show open last week, which means my life has not been my own. Why then didn't I post after the show had opened you ask? Uh........ LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY! *throws glitter and runs*
Anyway, I'm back! Aren't you just overcome with glee? And I've brought more Conversations with Three Year Olds! And Vader Blog!
Soon I'll have a long, hopefully funny, and informative post for you on the joys of community theater.
And now... CONVERSATIONS WITH THREE YEAR OLDS!
In a Parking Lot
Thing 1: Oh, I remember! You have boobies! Can I open them? *Pulls on neck of shirt till shame is exposed to the whole wide world*
Me: Not here sweatpea... *tucks shame away again*
Thing 1: Mummy has boobies too, but hers go squash! *proceeds to try to turn them into one gigantic super boob*
Me: Okay kiddo... *Puts her down*
Thing 1: Look! More boobies! *Grabs flab. Squishes*
Me: Sigh.......
And now, to explain the following interaction, I must introduce you to The Cat in the Hat, also knows as the twins five year old sister. Lovely child, if mellow dramatic... She will be henceforth known as Cat, for simplicity.
At the Park
Thing 2: I'm Cinderella!
Cat: I'm Rapunzel!
Thing 1: I'm Tunaman!
Cat: Tunaman! That's stupid Thing 1. Be the Prince!
Me: Cat! Don't call you sister stupid. Thing 1, are you a superhero?
Thing 1: Yes! I have madbee power!
Me: Madbee power?
Thing 1: Yes, I can turn him into a castle. With polkadots.
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