Vader Blog: Merry Christmas

I have been informed that it will soon be Christmas. I had never heard of this, so called, joyous occasion before, and I must admit I was baffled. Particularly becuase the little man who told me about it was not only wearing bells on his over sized ears, he was also only three feet tall. He did, however, hand me a bright green box with a bow on it. I, of course, tried to crush his windpipe, but the tiny person was surprisingly speedy. Next time, tiny green being, next time!

But I've been thinking.

What is this Christmas? Why have I never heard of it before? And who was that stupid little man? I did some research on the net and discovered this.

"Christmas is an annual holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus. It refers both to the day celebrating the birth, as well as to the season which that day inaugurates, which concludes with the Feast of the Epiphany. The date of the celebration is traditional, and is not considered to be his actual date of birth. Christmas festivities often combine the commemoration of Jesus' birth with various cultural customs, many of which have been influenced by earlier winter festivals. Although a Christian holiday, it is also observed as a cultural holiday by many non-Christians."

That didn't tell me anything. So I went to the one person I can always count on for an honest and unbiased answer, the Emperor. He was less than helpful.

CHRISTMAS!!! YOU PONCE!!! GO BACK TO KILLING THINGS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!

I considered crushing his windpipe, but then remembered it was the Emperor and slunk out like the dog I am when in his presence.

I continued my quest for the meaning of Christmas by brooding for several hours alone in my dome of solitude. I thought perhaps my evil lair would give me some kind of inspiration. But nothing came. Not even after a cup of dome chocolate. Mmm... so rich and frothy...

With little else to do I contemplated the little box in my hands. Perhaps it was some sort of incendiary device? Or a bomb? I shook it, in hopes of making it do something, but to no avail. The box remained aloof. I took it with me and paced the halls of the death star, lost in my own musing.

Some strange twist of fate took me past the cell where we keep the Princess and I decided to go in. Maybe the annoying female would have an answer to my question.

"Christmas? Well, it's a time for making snow men and giving gifts and spending time with your family!"

As I left I sent in the interrogator droid.

But she got me thinking. Snow men? I don't even know what that is! Gifts? Could that be what the little box was? Family? I had only one member of my family left alive, my brother Owen. Oh yes, and my son, Luke. I have never met the boy, but I spend hours planning how to turn him to the dark side.

In desperation I turned back to the box, throwing it against the wall in anger. The ribbon flew off and the box opened. Out fell a red hat.

I hesitantly put it on and felt myself filled with the Christmas spirit! I suddenly wanted to make cookies and decorate trees! So I did. Then a stormtrooper laughed at me and I crushed his windpipe. But I learned something today. The joy of christmas is in the horrified screams of every child. And, making snowmen is fun.

Vader Blog: Capturing the Princess

So, I boarded the Princess Leia's ship today. Is it just me or is she really hot?

Mmmm. Work it girls.

She reminds me of a woman I knew a long time ago, a woman who died, leaving me with nothing but this metal gear where my heart should be. God I'm depressed.

Okay, so, about the boarding. It all went very well, I looked all dark and creepy in my black cape and we captured the Princess pn the first try. Go us! But the plans were not there! What is it with that? How do they always manage to hide the plans! And then my genius of a helmsman let a pod escape. ESCAPE! Said he didn't shoot because there were no life forms aboard. What, did we have some sort of laser beam shortage!! GAA! If you want something done right, you must do it yourself. *Broods* However, I did get to kill him, and that does always make me feel better.

I'm sitting here in my Dome of Solitude (NOT my Emo Dome. Damn you Emperor! Now all the guys have started calling it that behind my back, I know it! And they're laughing, I can tell they're laughing. Hate world, must revenge self...) and I noticed that there is this little red button next to my soda machine. I really want to push it, but I'm afraid of what it might do...

Button of Mystery....

 

So, I have a little problem with my suit. Why are the eye holes black? Have you ever tried to see through SOLID BLACK PLASTIC? It's really hard!!!!!! And you have NO peripheral vision AT ALL! People have started standing directly beside me when they talk to me and it DRIVES ME CRAZY! And the next person to snicker when I can't see the volleyball coming is going to get their windpipe crushed!

I just pushed the button. It made hot chocolate appear! I love my dome. But I hate life. And sprinkles. And the letter O.

I make suspenders look goooooood

Vader Blog: If Darth Vader Had a Blog, This is What it Would Be Like.

Yes, I did it. I finally got a Blog. I wanted to stay away from this whole online diary thing, it seemed a bit... fruity to me. But all the other Sith Lords have one and they kept saying "why aren't you on blogger?" "You didn't get the memo? I sent it out on blogger." "Did you see that really funny video I posted on Blogger of the Jedi getting his head blown off.?" And so on. So here I am. On Blogger.

God I hate my life.

On the plus side I got my helmet waxed today and it is very very shiny. I can see the stars in it! However, Grand Moff Tarkin keeps using it as a mirror. It is very distracting! How am I supposed to be all menacing and evil in a meeting if my boss keeps checking his teeth in my head! *sigh*

I also really really needed to scratch my bottom, and believe me, that is a very involved process. Have you ever tried to scratch your bottom through a PLASTIC SUIT??

 I didn't think so.

And don't even get me started on how hot in is in here! It's supposed to have environment control but either it's been broken for the last fifteen years or I've become cold blodded. I should not be shvitzing in my suit during important menacing moments! It's very hard to concentrate on the evil when you're sweating like a Gammorean. Grr.

Anyway, I was sitting in my dome of solitude today (The Emperor insists on calling it my Emo Dome. Remind me to put glue on his chair before the next board meeting) and I realized just how much I hate life. It's all meaningless. And black. Like my soul. And my helmet. Which is shiny.

                                            Me, in my Dome of Solitude. NOT my Emo Dome.